H. F. S. (Ranting of a Lunatic)

The Vision (H. F. S.)
I always believed I was meant for something bigger. 
(What is your legacy?)
I don’t know mine; but I know it’s there. 
And
Like completing a puzzle~
I solved it all. 
Honestly.
I did it. 
And it came to me in a dream~
(Though I was awake.)
An Epiphany; if you will. 
I taste metal. 🗝

The Shadows will never go away. 
(I cannot be alone. Or they taunt.)
There’s nothing there. 
(I still jump.)
Yes I know. 
But what if?..
(Always turn around.)
People are crazy these days. 
You never know!
I did not lose reality-
As much as I live in it~
I couldn’t!
(Fulfill your destiny!)
If I took off my mask~
There is only one possible outcome.
One final destination. 
And that.. is not my destiny. 
(I’m smarter than that. )
But no one really knows~
I must put on the face to fit in.
It’s difficult. 
I am a Lady!
(And It’s not polite to scare people!)
So I tell the same stories. 
Fake a smile. 
Like a rehearsed line. 
I’ll never be an actress. 
(But I can role play?)
Life is like a game. 
I can’t look them in the eyes. 
Because they judge me.
(Or don’t care.)
Because I am no one to them. 
Sometimes I can hear people’s thoughts. 
(But I must be dreaming when awake. )
Is that day dreaming?
I mostly feel nothing. 
Or I feel something. 
So I focus on the now~
Also difficult. 
I’ve known happiness-
For the most part. 
But when I am enraged~
It doesn’t matter where~
It’s a movie I’d rather not be in. 
“Anxiety Anxiety” echoes in my head. 
Like a siren! 
I’ll grid my teeth~
SO MUCH NOISE!

I know my eyes give it away. 
“Permanent Bitch Face” I’ve been told I have.  
(Smile Permanent Bitch Face.)
I know. I’m trying. 
And then I wish I was somewhere else. 
Anywhere else. 
Limbo! 
I wait for the moment I will completely snap. 
Whose going to take me on?
“Mind over Matter. Mind over Matter”
So I do not. 
Though I have beaten you to a pulp~
In my head. 🌓
Even those who have never wronged me. 
(Or did they?)
But even if they did~
I probably won’t remember. 
Because every day is a new day! 
So what was the vision?
The climax of my horror movie. 
The ultimate psychological thriller. 
I am smart. I have always studied. 
But I’m
Constantly searching for answers!
People talk to themselves all the time. 
Sure. But I answer the thoughts aloud. 
When no one is around. 
Still sound normal? 
What do I talk about?
How my next day will go. 
If someone says this.. I will do this. 
If someone does this… I will do that. 
I know they talk about me. 
Everyone does.   
(Focus on the task at hand!) 
Then I forget. 
That does not make one crazy..
Sure. Have you forgotten the shadows?
The white dots? The faces?
The Darkness?
(They go away when he is there. But only when.)
“Younger Younger Younger” it repeats. 
What do you mean!?
I search through my memories. 
As far back as they could go. 

And then I remembered. 
Call it: a child’s imagination. 
But I remember now~
The places I used to go. 
The happy places. 
The anger. The jealousy. 
The rage. 
I locked it so far away..
I felt empathy. 
Regret?
And as an intellectual, I ask~
Why? 
Why do I do the things I do?
Why do I think the way I think? 
Why did I have those seizures?
Why did I have vertigo? 
Why would I faint?
My blood pressure can sometimes~
Be very low. For no reason. 
The doctors~ 
Could never find anything in my scans. 
My brain. 
Like a puzzle, I solved it all. 
Dad.. ?
Why?
“Kay.. he was sick.. Kay..he was sick..”
My mom says.. 10 years ago. 
My brother also heard the voices. 
“Click.”
I’m talking to myself. 
I’m talking to myself. 
Oh my god..
I begin to cry. 
I feel my Dad~
Comfort me. 
I know for a fact. 
I’m schizophrenic. ✨
CMK

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